lilies and thorns – Upper Room Media Blogs

Intentional Self-Love

By Lilyan Andrews

Originally posted on Lilyan Andrews’ blog Lilies and Thorns, Sept 5, 2020.

Self-Love Definition: Love of self: an appreciation of one’s own worth or virtue.

It looks like this title caught your attention and you’re here to read more about it. Awesome. Now tell me, what thoughts or feelings did that title evoke in you? Are you struggling with self-love? Or do you have a good sense of self-love and want to grow it even more? Or is this a foreign concept that you’ve never heard of?

Whatever your answer is, please allow me to walk you through why I think self-love is one of the most important things you can do for yourself. And how it is the foundation of every other relationship in your life.

God is the Source of All Love

Let’s start with where to get this self-love from. God Himself is the epitome of love. So where else would we find love other than the source himself? God proved His ultimate love for us by sending His Son to die on our behalf, so that we may be reunited with Him. His love for us is everlasting and unconditional. When Christ died for mankind on the cross, He did not only die for everyone, but especially just for you. I know that can be a hard concept for us to wrap our minds around, but it’s a foundational concept we must understand. His love for each of us is personal and special.

God loves you and therefore you should love yourself. If the most perfect Being loves you to the point of death, then why in the world would you not also love yourself? What is holding you back from diving straight into loving yourself? Is it the thought and shame of your past mistakes?

Forgiving Yourself is Essential for Loving Yourself

If your sins are hindering you from self-love, you need to know that this is from Satan and not from God. Because once you’ve repented and confessed, your sins are erased and you’re as good as new. We read in 2 Corinthians 5:17, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.”

Satan has a way of making us feel worthless and unlovable, and that’s total (for a lack of a better word) garbage. Ladies, forgive yourself. If the Almighty Judge has already forgiven you, why are you still punishing yourself? Lift your head up high and walk confidently knowing that forgiveness renews all, and from that you can start or continue on the path of self-love.

Let’s take the Samaritan woman as an example. When God’s love touched her, she could not contain her joy. She ran to the town people and told them about Christ. “And many of the Samaritans of that city believed in Him because of the word of the woman who testified, ‘He told me all that I ever did.’ ” (John 4:39). Here is a woman who went to draw water from the well at the most undesirable time so she would not run into anyone. She was embarrassed about her lifestyle, and when the Lord asked her about her husband she didn’t give him the whole story. But through His gentle and loving way she found forgiveness and was made new. There is no doubt that her self-love and love for God grew tremendously through that experience.

Love Yourself so You Can Love Others

There is a great Ted Talk I listened to about self-love (if you can’t already tell from last week’s post, I love Ted Talks). In it the speaker says, “Once you decide to love who you are, you can then take that love that you have for yourself and spread it to other people. Because without that self-love you limit your ability to pour into the loves of other people and add value to them.” I’m going to take that idea a step further and say that on top of self-love you need to be also filled with God’s love.

God is the source of all good things. From Him we learn what true love looks like. And as human beings we long to receive love and give love. But in order to give love you must draw that love from Him. We cannot give what we do not have.

How many relationships in your life are depending on love? Maybe it’s love to your parents, siblings, friends, or – if applicable to you – a spouse. All those people need love from you, but you can run dry if you are not filled with love for yourself and love for God.

So here is a simple breakdown:

Love God
Love Yourself
Love Others

Before I got into a relationship with my husband I was at a place where I was very comfortable with who I was as a person. I wasn’t looking for someone to complete me. God was already doing that for me. I struggled a lot to get to a place where I fully loved myself, but thank God I made it there somehow. And because of that I could give love and receive love in a healthy way. Self-love is instrumental in any serious relationship.

An issue that can occur when we lack self-love is trying to find it in an unhealthy way. Some people lack that self-love and place such a heavy burden on the close people in their life to fill that hole for them. Or in their search for love, they can compromise themselves and their values just to get the attention they so desperately want. If you are struggling with this I pray that your eyes are open to see your true worth, and you fall so deeply in love with God and yourself that you are no longer tempted by false love from others.

Self-Love is Key

Loving yourself means you are in control of your own joy. You recognize that God’s love is the first and foremost love that you need, and that you actually already have it! You’re working on loving Him and getting to know Him. Once you’re filled with self-love fueled by His love, you can now love others. That self-love is such an important foundation for everything else in your life.

Practical Tip

I love to write things down. I’ve started getting into the habit of writing letters, especially when I’m super zealous, to myself to open at a future time. The letters are usually titled, “Open When You Need Encouragement,” “Open When You Feeling Like Quitting,” and “Open When You Need a Reminder that You are Enough.” I’ve recently added one titled, “Open When You’re Lacking Self-Love.” I encourage you to do the same. Your letter has to be personal to you, write about your struggles and your motivations for overcoming them. Keep that letter around and read it when you need a little boost of positivity.

(c) Lilyan Andrews (2020). Intentional Self-Love by Lilyan Andrews. Available at https://www.liliesandthorns.com/post/intentional-self-love

Embracing Singleness

By Lilyan Andrews

Original post by Lilies and Thorns Blog

When I was attending a High School ECCYC (East Coast Coptic Youth Convention) Q&A session I sent a silly question up to the panel. “What is the right age to start dating?” Giggling trickled through the audience at the anonymous question. My technical little spirit wanted a magical number to look forward to, but little did I know that this question does not have a “right” answer. Now I give talks to youth groups about dating, and I always get the same question. I smile and remember the younger me who was just as curious to find an age to look forward to. Now I realize I was looking forward in the wrong way, and that I should have focused on the present.

How many days and nights do we spend daydreaming, hoping and praying that Mr. Right would come along? How much effort goes into chasing our crush and stalking them on social media? How many moments do we waste just waiting around to be in a relationship?

If I answered those questions honestly, my responses would make you cringe. There were countless moments that I spent doing all those things instead of enjoying my singleness. I saw my single days as lonely sad days, instead of seeing them for what they could have been: time to invest in myself.

“Remember now your Creator in the days of your youth, Before the difficult days come.”
Ecclesiastes 12:1

I wish I could tell my younger self to use every ounce of free time I had to focus on myself. To give extra attention to my relationship with God, because it is the one relationship that surpasses all. It is timeless and eternal. I should have used the time to build a strong foundation that can withstand any spiritual storm to come (and many storms did come). I should have gone on every retreat and monastery trip I could find to spend that special quiet time with Him. I should have attended all the available church services to spend more time in His house. I now have two little girls, and if I want any alone with God it’s at 5:00 AM before they wake up. Also, going to church with them is more work than I ever imagined, forget trying to pay attention in liturgy. I can go on forever about how kids flip your life upside down, but I hope this is convincing enough for you to take advantage of the gift of singleness.

I wish I could have used the time and energy I wasted on those passing feelings on fruitful relationships instead. I could have gotten closer to my family. Served my parents more. Spent quality time with my brother. Bonded with my girlfriends more.

If I had the chance to talk to my younger self I would tell her to stop living for the future, and start living for the present!

I always used my prayers to pray for the right person to come along, and for God’s perfect timing. I prayed for my future spouse and children, years before any of them came along. I’m not saying to ignore those things or to not pray about them, I’m saying also pray about your singleness too. Pray for yourself individually and struggle in your own spiritual journey.

There are many direct and indirect messages in the media that might lead us to believe that we are incomplete without someone. Can we please take that idea and throw it out the window?! You are a strong, spiritually mature, beautiful (inside and out), bold young woman wrapped in His grace! All on your own. Do not ever forget that you were made in His image and according to His likeness (Genesis 1:26).

You can live a deeply fulfilling life, enriched with spiritual adventure, thrilling experiences, quiet moments that lead to aha moments, friendships that bring out the very best in you, journeys that take you deep into yourself and bring you back stronger, smarter, and wiser than you ever were. Being preoccupied with another can distract you from fully processing all of the awesomeness that is you.

If you find yourself only hanging out with couples the majority of the time, and seeing relationships all around you makes you feel insecure about being single, then it’s time to change your environment. Find a few single gals you can hang out with. People who share the same struggles and can encourage you to be the best version of yourself.

Or if you are the type of person who likes to jump from relationship to relationship, then maybe it’s time to break that cycle. If you are uncomfortable with being alone, then you must confront that feeling and become comfortable in your own skin. You must be whole before you bring another person into your life. I don’t believe in the “he completes me” mentality.

I know it also doesn’t help when every taunt [older Egyptian woman] is always asking if you’re single so she can set you up with her son. Or always hearing “obalek” at every wedding occasion; that word doesn’t even have an English translation. It’s essentially wishing you to be next. The next graduate, bride, mother, etc. It’s proof that people are always looking to what’s next, and not focusing on the now. The Egyptian culture sometimes doesn’t know what to do with single women. Unfortunately, it tends to value those who are married, and pities those who aren’t. (I’m making a general statement here, of course this is not true in every situation.) This is not a standard you should live by. Live by seeking the kingdom first, and trust that God will take care of the rest.

“But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.”
Matthew 6:33

We know that marriage is created for the sake of our salvation, but it is not the only way to salvation. God gave Adam a helper comparable to him so that he should not remain alone (Genesis 2). It was a gift given from God, and I would argue, not a gift meant for everyone. St. Paul starts 1 Corinthians chapter 7 talking about marriage, then he says, “But I say this as a concession, not as a commandment. For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that.” (1 Corinthians 7: 6-7) St. Paul is referring to his singleness and celibacy when he wishes that everyone would be like him, but also explains that this is not for everyone.

You might have to embrace singleness for a temporary time, but might have to also embrace it for a lifetime. Either way, the end goal is your salvation. Always focus your eyes on the prize: that is Christ. Whether He leads you to marriage or singleness, you should be following Him regardless of the season and the circumstance.

So take a deep breath, set aside any obsessive tendencies you have around relationships, and just focus on you and Him. Embrace it all!