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Repentance and Mercy

Repentance and Mercy

Adapted from a sermon by Aidan Mclachlan

“To fall in love with God is the greatest romance, to seek Him, the greatest adventure to find him. The greatest human achievement”.
St Augustine

The two main events of Thursday Eve are the betrayal by Judas and the anointing of the feet by the spikenard woman. Two remarkably different people who approached the Lord in very different ways.

Each time we read the gospels and come to the calling of the twelve disciples, we come to Judas. He is described as the one “who also betrayed Him”. All too quickly we assume that the sin of Judas was betrayal. But we ask ourselves, did any of the other disciples betray Christ? The answer would be a resounding, yes! St Peter, who denied Christ three times certainly betrayed Him and yet he remained the rock on which Christ builds His church. In fact, we have all sinned and sin is no less than spurning God’s trust and love for us. It is in short, a betrayal. Is there then no hope for us?

I think we find the true sin of Judas not in betrayal but in despair, and from this despair, his failure to repent. But was Judas not repentant? Didn’t he try to return the silver coins? Judas, so absorbed in the world, tried to overcome his crime on his own without seeking God, or His mercy. What he felt most guilty of, was his role in killing Christ and there was no way that he could reverse this and bring Christ from the dead.

But God could. By this time, Judas’ despair overwhelmed him, and his guilt had consumed him. He was nothing but a vessel of wretched misery and anguish. With no hope on Earth, he ended his life and with it, his hope in heaven as well. If only Judas had suffered a little longer. If only he had endured. If only he had waited a few more days for Christ’s glorious resurrection. He failed to see Christ as God, and that He could kill his despair, before it killed him.

Now if we turn to the second key character, the spikenard woman. We find in the Gospel of Matthew and Mark, a story of a woman who was a friend of Jesus. She anoints Christ’s head, not his feet, in the town of Bethany just before His passion. A different story is presented in Luke; a story of a sinner woman who anoints Christ’s feet and dries them with her hair, with no association with Christ’s passion. Most likely, these are two different events. One performed by a sinner woman, and the other by a friend. One clearly an act of repentance and one seemingly an act of affection.

In the Gospel of John, we find Christ at Bethany just before His passion, similar to Matthew and Mark’s gospels. Yet the woman washes Christ’s feet like the sinner woman in Luke’s Gospel. What is the point of seemingly fusing the two stories, and the two women? This is to show the transformative power of repentance. St John keeps the action of a sinner woman in washing His feet, but the timing in the Gospel narrative of the other woman, a friend of Christ. This Indicates that through her repentance, she went from being a sinner woman to being a friend of God.

The Greek word metanoia is commonly understood as repentance but it is so much more than that. It is a change – a transformation! The spikenard woman becomes an example to us for proper penitence, weeping at Christ’s feet, having both her sins and her Lord before her eyes. The spikenard woman is also a revelation of God’s love that though we fail, though we betray Him, though we put nails in His hand, and a spear in His side, He will overcome our weaknesses and transform us to something greater, a friend of His. Finally we can marvel at God’s love and mercy, just as she did. This is true repentance, born from true love, true faith, true hope, and given to the one that is the fulfilment of love, faith and hope.

If we compare the repentance of the spikenard woman to Judas, we find that she had trust in the salvation of the Lord that Judas did not. Unlike Judas’ attempt at repentance, this woman did not aim for a worldly goal. She was rightly criticised by the apostles for not selling that oil and giving the money to the poor, because it made little sense to the world. Yet out of love, she gave up what was likely her most expensive possession. She wept and begged and pleaded for mercy. This is true repentance.

How can we discover this heart felt repentance? With wonder! We can see that God in all this greatness can overcome any obstacle, even despair. With this wonder, we can behold all that God has made and done for us and so grow in love like the spikenard woman. With this wonder, we can honestly say like the apostle, “if God is for us, who can be against us” (Romans 8:31). How is it that God became Man? How is it that God could suffer? How is it that God could rise again from the dead? How is it that God could make the corruptible incorruptible?

We are blessed not to have logical explanations for many of these questions because if we had them, we may suddenly lose our sense of wonder in favour of something much less marvellous. We discover this wonder from the world around us when we discover that the world is transparent. Through it, we see the beauty and the light of God. The English word cosmetic meaning beauty, comes from the Greek word cosmos, meaning universe. The world becomes an icon of God and we see through it. We cannot be like Judas, who saw the world as an end in itself, because this road leads to despair. We must instead see the world, its beauty and the Lord Almighty in their height of greatness, and not reduced to it.

May we all seek and discover the wonder of the Lord this Holy Week, and for the rest of our days.

Do You Want Coronavirus to Go Away?

Do You Want Coronavirus to Go Away?

Adapted from a sermon by Fr Mark Basily

John 5:1-18

Take a moment to think about this question – do you want coronavirus to go away? You may be thinking, “what a silly question, of course we want it to go away. Isn’t it obvious?”

We witness a scene of devastation in the gospel reading of the paralytic man; similar to what we see in the world today. St John describes it as, “a great multitude of sick people, blind, lame, paralyzed” (Jonh 5:3). They’re all lying there by a pool which is situated next to the gate.

The gate was the sheep gate where the sheep would enter on the way to be slaughtered for the Passover. By the gate was a pool so that they could be washed before they were taken to the Temple for slaughter. Because there was a direct link between the pool and the Temple, it was considered to be holy water.

The people thought they would be healed when it was stirred and given power.

We have a scene set around a multitude of sick people but then the story hones in on one person, a man paralysed for 38 years. He was probably in the worst state, all the more reason for Christ to focus on him.

Christ approaches him, a man that had been paralysed for 38 years, and asks him a question; “do you want to be made well?”

What a silly question, of course he wants to be made well. Why ask a question like that?

The gospels are not just historical stories or events, the gospel is for our lives. Our own personal encounters with Christ. The gospel takes these stories and puts them in the midst of our lives. So the question we can take from this is – do you want coronavirus to go away? This is the question that Christ asks the paralytic man.

We know that Christ would not ask a silly question. Everything He did had a profound purpose. Why did Christ ask this question?

When I was ordained a priest, I had to go to Egypt for my ordination. When I arrived in Egypt, I met Anba Bakhomious just before the liturgy began for the ordination and he looked me in eyes and asked, “are you prepared to be a priest?”

I replied, “Yes, Your Grace, by your prayers.”

He raised his voice and asked again, “are you prepared to be a priest?”

Again I said, “umm yes, by your prayers.”

Then he became visibly angry and he shouted, “Are you prepared to be a priest? Yes or no?”

So I said, “yes.”

And he replied, “good.”

It seemed like an obvious question. I’ve resigned, I’m here, I travelled from Australia to Egypt, so I was prepared. But he was asking in the sense of – Do you realise the consequence of what you are entering?

Do you realise what will be required of you?

Do you realise the sacrifices necessary?

Do you realise that you will lay down your life to others?

Do you realise what you are embarking on?

Are you ready?

It is for that reason that Christ asks the question, “do you want to be made well?”

Are you ready to be made well? No longer will you lie here. No longer will you rely on others to feed you. Are you ready to stand, to walk to carry your bed, to work? Are you ready for the consequences and responsibilities of healing?

The climax is when Christ finds him again and says, “See, you have been made well. Sin no more, lest a worse thing come upon you.”

We see the link that Christ puts between disease and sin. It’s not clear whether this man’s sin led to his disease or if it were the other way around. What is clear is that there was a link between disease and sin and part of his physical healing was to sin no more, and restore his spiritual health.

“For since for the most part when the soul is diseased we feel no pain, if the body receive though but a little hurt, we use every exertion to free it from infirmity, because we are sensible of the infirmity, therefore God oftentimes punishes the body for the transgressions of the soul, so that by means of the scourging of the inferior part, the better part also may receive some healing.”
St John Chrysostom

Christ after healing the paralytic finds him again so that he can complete the healing, the spiritual healing. In the NKJV, we read, “see you have been made well.” In the other translations, it reads, “see you have been made whole.”

You are now complete, physically and spiritually whole. We see the ultimate responsibility of healing – repentance.

Do you want coronavirus to go away? There are many ways that the world is responding to coronavirus; social distancing, closures, lockdowns, self-isolation, closing borders. They’re all good measures.

Other measures include prayer. Even the prime minister said his prayer knees were getting a good workout. There is another measure beyond this that some people are putting in place. I believe this is the most effective measure. The measure of repentance. Do you want to be made well? Do you want coronavirus to go away? Let us repent. Let us sin no more. If God sees us all repenting what would He do?

“If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.”
2 Chronicles 7:14

We implore God’s mercy to heal our land, to heal our world by giving Him our repentance.

The scariest thing about corona is that our actions affect everybody else. If we are infected and we don’t self-isolate, it effects everyone around us through the ripple effect. Our actions affect others. If a virus can do that, repentance can do the same, more even. My repentance has a ripple effect on the world and on God’s heart.

Joy

Joy

by Shery Abdelmalak

A heart full of love and servitude for God’s children can only emulate joy. Think of events that have made you feel joyful. Do you think of adventure, travel, fun? Is it things that make you happy; the temporal kind? For Saint Mary, it was the news, that at the age of twelve, she would conceive a child. Not just any child but the Son of God. She responded saying, “My soul magnifies the Lord, And my spirit has rejoiced in God my Saviour.” (Luke 1:46-47)

Her faith was being put to the ultimate test. God had big plans and Saint Mary was about to play a major role in the salvation of all mankind. But what twelve year old girl would think of mankind when her whole life was about to flipped upside down? To say that this should be a time of confusion and discomfort would just be scrapping the surface.

Fr Dawood Lamey outlines joy very simply; Joy comes when you prioritise:

Jesus
Others
Yourself

Saint Mary accepted God’s will, with no thought given to how His plans will impact her life personally. When the angel, Gabriel tells her that Elizabeth is also pregnant, her immediate thought is to help her cousin in her time of need. At no point did Saint Mary stop to think of herself. Her joy in this situation is beyond admirable. Had she stopped to think of herself, the course of history may have taken a very different turn.

When we take Saint Mary as an exemplar of joy and attempt to mould this into our own lives, we may see a very different pattern. We can often misrepresent joy for happiness. Happiness generally comes from a pursuit of one’s own will, pleasures and desires, whereas, joy is the complete opposite. One’s own desires are put on hold for the service of others. This is not to say that happiness is a negative. All in moderation. A major risk of happiness arises when it is used as an indication of spiritual health. Joy is the true indication of spiritual health. To be content and at peace throughout tribulation comes from having joy, that exceeds far beyond happiness.

The main difference between happiness and joy are their sources. Happiness originates from external influences of the world whereas joy is internal. Saint Jerome describes this difference saying, “By joy people mean an elation of mind over things that are worthy of exultation, whereas gaiety is an undisciplined elation of mind which knows no moderation.” When going through hardship, you may choose to ignore the situation. You may think that you are okay because you’re happy. If you can’t come to God at the end of day, on your knees and have an honest conservation with Him in prayer, of what spiritual benefit will that tribulation bring you?

You may be happy externally yet still filled with grief and sorrow, the fruits that oppose joy. St James says that, “he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind.” (James 1:6). The appeal of happiness is in its momentary pleasure but you put yourself in a cycle of an endless pursuit of satisfaction from an inconsistent world that will ultimately lead to much greater pain. There is nothing like the joy of having a clear conscience that has claimed victory over worldly lusts. There is also no difficulty quite like pursuing joy when you feel you have been given every reason to abandon God and His promises. Joy is not the result of “fun,” joy comes in times of chaos when all you know for sure is that God is holding you in the palm of His Hand.

So how can we find joy in tribulation?

To be thankful for all, even the seemingly insignificant. From the moment you wake up, you are already given more than enough reason to be thankful. Find thankfulness behind every complaint. The very reason we can complain so much is because God has already blessed us to the extent that we have created expectations of Him. How great His love is and for that alone, we are thankful.

To repent honestly without any ill-feelings toward others. To end every day in self-reflection of your own actions and how you can become more Christ-like brings joy, both in times of blessing and in times of tribulation. As Saint Ambrose says, “That man sins is no cause for surprise. What is blameworthy is his failure to acknowledge his error and humble himself before God.” When we humble ourselves before God, we allow Him to take away our human nature and replace it with the heavenly. Repentance is a tool that allows us to recognise our position before God so that self-awareness comes as a reflection of what God can make you and me.

To beg for His mercy so that He becomes our source of joy and spiritual nourishment in every storm. The joy of the heart cannot be taken away by the cares of this world, or the opinions of others, or the sin of despair. Stay in good company in sanctification from the world and He will provide for you.

When you feel God has blessed you, when life is going well, pursue joy most so that His blessings are not forgotten during tribulation. When blessings cause happiness and an elevation of the ego instead of a heart that gives God the glory, happiness quickly fades. Feeling joyful during times of blessing is good but how much more admirable is a person who is joyful during tribulation? A heart filled with joy is content during all external circumstances, the good and the bad, and is thankful through it all.

Facing Reality (Barriers to Repentance)

Barriers to Repentance 7/7

Facing Reality

by Shery Abdelmalak

If I am accountable to my own standards then I am righteous in my own eyes. Where was this logic adhered to? Judges – a time of utter chaos. By accepting this logic, we choose internal chaos over the healing of repentance, since our sins must first be brought to light before we can be healed.

Humans are creatures of habit and of routine. Change is a scary thing for us all. Sometimes we even prefer to accept our sins than to overcome them. We choose to remain in our human states than to pursue the heavenly. We choose to be waves of the ocean, tossed back and forth, lacking stability and a firm foundation. We must look to be righteous in God’s eyes, and pursuing His standards and not our own.

“I can’t repent because I don’t remember my sins”

Pray to remember. We are held to our own standards and it is our duty to expose our sins for the purposes of overcoming them. To him who knows good and does not do it, to him it is sin (James 4:17). We are not called to live an indifferent life. We are called to sanctification. If those around you do not see a difference between you and others, then something is wrong. Pray for your weaknesses and your sins to be revealed to you. Something as simple as eating a meal would cause tears of repentance in Abba Isidore. He says,“I am ashamed of myself because, being a rational being, I eat the food of an irrational creature; I desire to live in Paradise where I shall enjoy the food that is imperishable.”Abba Isidore knew that there was always something higher than him and repented for things that none of us would classify as sin.

“Spiritual life is too hard. Why do I have to give up so many of things that I love?”

Don’t go looking for weaknesses without first arming yourself with Christ. HH Pope Shenouda III says, “You reveal your weaknesses to obtain power from him. You reveal with regret all your sins, then He will grant you Absolution and forgiveness.” You are choosing to fight a losing battle if you do it alone. If this is the case, then your reluctance is a given. Arm yourself with Christ. Empty yourself and you will be filled with all strength and knowledge to withstand the wiles of the devil.

“But I know myself. I know how God made me. I can’t change that.”

If this does not implore you to repentance then how could you truly know yourself? If you knew yourself, you would recognise your worth can only come from the One that dwells within. Delve deeper and see your true self. It makes no sense by human logic that looking for flaws could be joyful but God doesn’t play by our rules. In Him, our weaknesses are turned into perfect strength.

A monk once asked the Abbot of the monastery to pray for him as he was struggling to overcome the devil. The abbot then spoke to the devil about this monk…

“Please go easy on this servant. He is struggling greatly with the temptations you have you put before him.”

“Who? I haven’t been anywhere near him.”

There are two keys things to note from this interaction.

The monk that claimed he was fighting against the devil was really fighting his own will.
The abbot of the monastery was in communication with the devil. He had a relationship with the devil.

The fight against the devil will only commence when we fight against our own wills and desires. Otherwise, the devil will not waste his time on you. The true tragedy in our spiritual lives is when the devil makes no effort to fight us at all. Only when our weaknesses and sins are given over to God in true repentance, will the devil ever validate our spirituality by giving us any form of challenge in temptation.

To have a relationship with God is one thing, to have a relationship with the devil is a whole new level. When the Jews saw the works of St Paul and St Peter that even their handkerchiefs and aprons were enough to heal the sick and exorcize evil spirits, they began to imitate their actions.

“We exorcise you by the Jesus whom Paul preaches!”

“Jesus I know, and Paul I know; but who are you?” The devils answered, before overpowering them and prevailing against them so that they fled out of the house naked and wounded (Acts 19:15).

The devil will only make himself known to those who fight in repentance to be near to our God.

St Athanasius recounts the struggles St Anthony faced during his time in the desert;

“Straightaway phantasms of this kind caused a phantom earthquake, and they tore apart the four corners of the house, and entered into it in a body from all sides. One had the form of a lion, another had the appearance of a wolf, another was like a panther, and all the others were in the forms of serpents, vipers, and scorpions. The lion was roaring as a lion roars when he is about to slay; the bull was ready to gore him with his horns; the panther was prepared to spring upon him; and the snakes the vipers were hissing.”

Reading this, knowing would be more than enough to scare anyone away from a life of spiritual struggle. Not for the one that is filled with Christ. At this moment, he laughed. St Athanasius continues, “The blessed man Anthony was not disturbed by their commotion, and his mind remained wholly undisturbed.”

St Anthony was filled completely with Christ, even to the very cells that comprised his being. He was not his own. He belonged wholly and completely to Christ. He had the authority of Christ trample under foot serpents and scorpions and all the power of the enemy.

The devil doesn’t fight fair. Lucky for us, neither does God. For while we were still sinners, He died upon the Cross for our salvation (Romans 5:8). How could routine ever compare to a life with Christ? Let us pray to overcome routine and face the reality of our weaknesses so that Christ may dwell in our hearts and minds. Glory be to God forever, Amen.

Humus

Barriers to Repentance 6/7

Humus

by Shery Abdelmalak

How long O’ Lord, will you forget me forever? How long will my enemies triumph over me? (Ps 13:1)When will the pain stop? I have cried out night and day before You. My soul is full of trouble and my life is drawing near to the grave (Ps 88:3).In the darkness, in the depths, I cry out to You. I tried so hard, God. Why can’t anyone see that? Nothing is working. Why won’t You answer me? How could you leave me like this?

It is the psalms of King David that revealed the depth of despair and sadness. King David felt pain and turned it over to God. For the moments that he stopped looking down and looked up to God, he found comfort. He realised that he was dust, but dust that was carried in the mighty Hands of our God.

This is the means of overcoming one’s ego and pursuing Christ. Humus, from the Latin word, soil, is what we strive for, nothing more, nothing less. To know that from dust I came and to dust I shall return. I am what I am, period. How can you put so much emphasis on dust?Humble yourself before the Lord and He shall lift you up (James 4:10).

It isn’t always that simple though. When trials come our way, it becomes difficult to look at anything beyond myself. From dust I came, and from dust I shall return – this is not a matter of self-depreciation but the ultimate comfort. All the stress, the worry, the anxiety, goes away when I can put things into perspective. It no longer becomes my problem, but His – in His Hands in put all my worries.

The struggles of this life can often be looked upon with angst and doubt. Rest assured, as Fr Seraphim Rose once said, “Suffering is an indication of another Kingdom which we look to. If being Christian meant being “happy” in this life, we wouldn’t need the Kingdom of Heaven.”Do not lose hope during trials, these are key to faith and salvation!

What can develop during times of tribulation is what Fr Daniel Fanous calls an obsession with me. This is comprised of three main parts:

One’s thoughts being central to self
An ignorance toward those around one’s self
Being stuck in one’s own thought world

To be in this state is often neglected as a legitimate concern. While other spiritual problems are targeted much sooner, the ego poses a problem that is not easily overcome because of a lack of recognition. Repentance cannot even begin when I am so focused on me. Overcoming feelings of depression, anxiety and all other spiritual related causes that weigh us down is vital to returning to God through repentance.

For this, Fr Daniel Fanous lists some strategies;

A sustained and intentional effort. We all fall along the spectrum of egotism. Recognise your position and fight to overcome.
Seek help, with organic causes and hormonal changes as these are beyond the realm of spiritual healing alone.
Develop a strong relationship with your confession father. Make him accountable for the sins you commit. Open yourself up to him fully and be open to correction
The centre of the battle lies in your thoughts. Fight to overcome all thoughts, even those that seem harmless. This will allow you to grow in discipline also.
Cultivate an attitude of service that is willing and actively seeking opportunities to serve at all times.
Actively decrease so that God may increase. Do not speak of yourself regardless of whether this is positive or negative.
Cultivate joy and peace in not only your thoughts, but in those whom you choose to surround yourself with.
Pray using the Agpia. Prayer that is unguided is likely to fall in the traps of self-obsession.

When we learn to overcome ourselves, this is the greatest joy. We are not the centre of our own lives, Jesus is. I must decrease so that He may increase (John 3:30), and in so doing, our joy is made full.

Sometimes our perception of joy is skewed. Sometimes we chase happiness over joy. For whatever void presents, we fill it with momentary pleasures. While I may see nothing wrong with momentary pleasures and things that make me happy, but it is the underlying basis that causes the greatest harm. True joy stems for union with those around us. If hell is likened to complete separation from those around us, then eternal joy can be likened to unity.

St Macarius the Great was walking in the desert and found a skull lying on the ground. He poked it with his stick and it spoke saying,

“As far as the sky is removed from the earth, so great is the fire beneath us; we are ourselves standing in the midst of the fire, from the feet up to the head. It is not possible to see anyone face to face, but the face of one is fixed to the back of another. Yet when you pray for us, each of us can see the other’s face a little. Such is our respite.”

The greatest glimpse of joy in hell is when a person sees another. To be in hell is to be stuck in one’s self and have no interaction with those around them. To be consumed with one’s ego while on earth is to fall into the same torment that exists below. When the disciples of St John the Baptist came to him and told him all about Christ who was stealing his glory, his response was simple,

“He who has the bride is the bridegroom; but the friend of the bridegroom, who stands and hears him, rejoices greatly because of the bridegroom’s voice. Therefore this joy of mine is fulfilled. He must increase, but I mustdecrease.”(John 3:29-30)

To choose a simple life as a friend of the Bridegroom is to live a joyful life. To live life grounded – humus. In humility is the foundation of all virtuous fruits. Love, joy, peace, long-suffering (patience), kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, long suffering – all start with humus.

What were once prayers of despair and worthlessness are overshadowed with something much greater as He makes us whiter than snow.

I have trusted in Your mercy; My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation (Ps 13:5).For who in the heavens can be compared to the Lord? Who among the sons of the mighty can be likened to the Lord? God is greatly to be feared in the assembly of the saints, And to be held in reverence by all those around Him (Ps 89:6-7).I found the one I love. I held him and would not let him go, (Song of Solomon 3:4). I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me (Song of Solomon 7:10).

Glory be to God forever, Amen.

Despair (Barriers to Repentance)

Barriers to Repentance 4/7

Despair

by Shery Abdelmalak

The modern world is marked by advancements in technology, in social media, in education, in health – in all that we know. We have subsequently become increasingly self-sufficient. We know that we need God, but really, how often do you feel that you will not make it through the day without His immediate intervention? When you wake up in the morning – do you pray that God gets you out of bed? Do you pray and honestly believe that you will not achieve even the smallest of tasks without His help?

When you open the door to your room, you know you will find a bed, a wardrobe, all your things in their rightful spots. All your needs before your eyes. There are some places where this is not always guaranteed. Where you do not know what you will find when you open the door – if there even is a door. The certainly that we have in this life can often prevent us from seeking His help at every step. If you thought the floor you walk on could collapse at your next step then the dependence factor would increase profoundly.

Self-dependence, when applied to our spiritual lives, is a major source of despair. Youhanna El Daragy says: ‘The devils, before the fall say to you that God is kind and merciful, but after the fall they say that He is the Just Judge and they will frighten you to lose hope in the forgiveness of God and not repent’. Our self-dependence is what allows the devil to target despair to trap us deeper into sin and separate us further from Christ.

Despair can be defined as the complete loss or absence of hope. How this can apply to Christians in the New Testament is the real bemusement. Christ died for our sins, rose and ascended to the heavens. He conquered death through His death so that we could spend eternity with Him. Yet we despair because of sin? Your sins have been wiped away. But we prefer to wipe them away ourselves, that is way of self dependence.

Our self-sufficiency shadows the promises of faith as we try to overcome sin by our own efforts. Christianity in earlier years was a process of falling and getting back up again. You will fall but when you do, you will stand again. While we are not perfect, and will never attain perfection, we stand; we strive to imitate the One who is perfect. There was no over inflation of ego to hold someone down in the despair of sin. In modern times, falling is still guaranteed, but getting up again is dependent upon the despair that follows the sin.

The greatest source of despair is in repeated, habitual sins. That one sin that we cannot overcome no matter how hard we fight – the one that makes us realise we maybe we do need Him, not before the cycle of despair that is. We can call this a “tunnel vision” sin. Tunnel vision can be defined as, the tendency to focus exclusively on a sole object. If we think of horses at the races, racehorse trainers equip their horses with blinders to keep them focused on the finishing line and to prevent them from being distracted by the crowds and other surroundings. Now imagine a horse with misplaced blinders – blinders that cause the horse to look down to the ground instead of up to the finishing line. This horse is not going to go very far. It can only see two insignificant steps ahead of it. It is missing the entire race.

In a tunnel vision sin, we lose sight of all else, weaknesses and strengths alike. We need to stop looking down and start looking up. Look up to how God sees you – “I am dark but lovely” (Song of Songs 1:5)

HH Pope Shenouda III comments on this verse saying, “Iam dark is a uniquely peculiar and extraordinary phrase. It is uttered by the humble, unassuming, and contrite soul that is readily prepared to confess its sins and shortcomings.” Although tainted by sin, we were still created in His image and in His likeness. We have the potential to be vessels for honour, sanctified and useful for the Master, prepared for every good work (2 Timothy 2:21).

A humble, unassuming and contrite soul is what we should strive for. A soul as such easily finds repentance. They are harsh on their own sins yet filled with mercy in their dealings with others. The beauty of the soul is in its ability to declare its deficiencies without any feelings of humiliation or degradation. The soul is what it is. We accept this with full focus on God, who He is and His work in us.

When we look at the three qualities HH Pope Shenouda III lists for the soul, we clearly see these as the requirements necessary to overcome despair and repent honestly and joyfully. Humble. Unassuming. Contrite. A soul as such is empty of itself and accepts their flaws. In this admission of weakness, Christ is given the ability to cleanse the soul of its weakness and fill it with all perfect strength.

Repentance is best when it is performed quickly and with no hesitation. This eliminates the stage of despair altogether. To overcome despair is to overcome one’s ego. Boast with Saint Paul of your infirmities. Trust like David that when He washes you, you will be whiter than snow. For in this, His strength will be made perfect in you, the joy of His salvation will be restored and His Spirit will uphold you.

What causes us to despair most is what God looks upon most favourably – a broken and a contrite heart (Psalm 51:17). God the Most High opposes the proud but exalts the humble (James 4:6). By grace we have been saved through faith, not by our own doing, but through the grace of God (Ephesians 2:8-9). To look upon sin with despair is to deny the Holy Spirit of His work within us.

“The human soul cannot be victorious or successful in life unless it leans on her beloved, our Lord… Blessed and happy is the human soul that leans on her beloved, on the Lord and none but Him.”

– HH Pope Shenouda III

May we overcome despair through humility and dependence on the Saviour of our souls. Glory be to God forever, Amen.

Forgiving God (Barriers to Repentance)

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Forgiving God

by Shery Abdelmalak

Forgive God does not need to be said in theory. In practice, in a life full of tribulation and faith that is not yet fully formed, blame is misplaced. We would all love to say, like Job, “Naked I came from the womb and naked I shall return, blessed be the name of the Lord” (Job 1:21).

Job, you lost your children, your livelihood, blessed be who?

While we should be aiming to bless His Name through tribulation the way Job did, sometimes we can’t find the strength to even stand, let alone praise God. As Christians, we are gifted with the knowledge of faith. No matter what we go through, we are assured of His grace and that good will come out of the seemingly hopeless. Giving glory to God when things go right is easy, what becomes difficult is giving Him glory when things are not so good. What should be glory turns into blame, into resentment, into despair.

It is His fault that your plans did not go the way you wanted. It is His fault that He’s going to give you more than you could ever imagine, but for now, you can only see two steps ahead of you. If you knew what His plans were, if you knew the reason why you are in the tribulation you are in now, you would be on your knees in awe and amazement of the undeserving Love He has bestowed upon you.

While the end result is what we strive for, during the thick of tribulations, where can we draw faith from? This is when it gets difficult to stand and pray when the One that could get you out of tribulation at the click of His fingers, doesn’t. When you can’t see what He sees. When you are not capable of understanding of what He can do. When you think He has forgotten you. When you doubt that maybe you’re not His favourite anymore. Maybe He’s busy. Maybe He doesn’t love you anymore. As absurd as these all sound, these are the things that get in the way of repentance.

Job’s wife spoke as any one of us would when she told Job to forsake the God that had left him with nothing. As much as Job’s wife is ridiculed for what she said, we need to be sure we are not saying the exact same thing when troubles come our way. God didn’t fulfil our plans? On to plan B. There is an elevation of faith and of spiritual maturity when we put our desires aside for nothing more than to be united with our Lord. There is beauty in seeking Christ for who He is and not what He can offer. We remember Job, not his wife, who remains nameless. We remember Job as he was filled with faith and patiently endured tribulation. You have a choice; to chase a life like Job that is credited to him for faith or at best, be forgotten, like his wife.

What is pivotal to the story of Job is the moment he questioned God. To this, God responded to him in a whirlwind of anger and rebuked him for questioning that His love could ever fail. For the emotional outburst that was Job’s wife’s moment when she lacked faith, Job responded gently. The same way God gently responds to our lack of faith. We were never called to follow Him blindly. In peaceful silence, He waits for us to return to Him. He waits for us to stop focusing on ourselves and focus back on what truly matters – a life with Him.

If God does not respond to you in a whirlwind like He did to Job, know that your faith is not yet fully formed. How else can He show you His love? When you are going through tribulation, know that He is reaching out to you. This is not the time for you to let go. Cling to Him for surely He is the only One holding you together.

Job had lost everything, he was condemned as a sinner by his own friends and felt that the God whom he served had also forsaken him. For the moment that Job looked to himself instead of looking up to God, he fell into deep despair. He started to believe that God owed him something. If we are ever struggling to forgive God it is because we have fallen into the same trap – looking to ourselves instead of looking up to Him. There is purpose to your pain. If you can’t see it, look harder, look up to Him and He will reveal Himself to you. How can we ever question Him when we don’t even know how wisdom enters the mind, or who has given understanding to the heart? (Job 38:34).

Repentance is key to ensuring the virtues and lessons God has instilled in the tribulation you are in are fought and won. In true repentance, we stop looking to ourselves. We let go of the entrapment of our minds and look to Him. We look to His perfection and spread the love we are filled with to those around us. To think that some kind of reconciliation between you and God is necessary because He has wronged you makes no sense. You are not living a life to fulfil your own desires. You are living for Him. Focus on Him and His children and you will never be shaken by tribulation. Where were you when God made the heavens? Who are you to question His plans? A faith formed through trusting God when everything feels like it is going wrong is what makes questions like these fade away to nothing.

He is doing what is best for you, all that is left for you to do, is to thank Him, repent and make sure that no lesson is gone to waste. Let us pray for a faith that only grows and is not shaken by the tribulations of this world. Glory be to God forever, Amen.

Forgiving Yourself (Barriers to Repentance)

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Forgiving Yourself

by Shery Abdelmalak

God instructed us to forgive one another, but the forgiveness we have to offer others is largely dependent on the forgiveness we have for ourselves. He told us to love our neighbours as ourselves (Mark 12:21). But what if we don’t love ourselves? What if we’re held back by shame and guilt for the sins of our past? If we approach sin with regret, guilt and shame, these are all we have to offer to those whom we love most.

The world teaches us to approach a problem with possible solutions. This is very simple when applied to sin. You do a sin. You know it was wrong. You try to fix it. This is not how God asked us to approach sin. You may be able to overcome a sin on your own a few times but eventually you’ll get worn down. You’ll soon realised that the higher you reach, the further you’ll fall.

As morbid as this sounds, God teaches us to approach sin in a way the world will never understand. When you are resigned to sin and you come to Him in prayer, you may fall again but there is a comfort in knowing He is always there to pick you up – a comfort in knowing that He is not just a fall back but the very core of your strength. St Paul says, “I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me”(2 Cor. 12:9). If we can truly give the glory to Him, we know that our flaws and mistakes will work for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).

Even by worldly logic, fighting sin on your own doesn’t make sense. Saint Moses the Black was one of the strongest men on Earth. The devil tried to physically fight him and so naturally, he fought back. He fought back, and was knocked down. The devil is stronger than the elites of this world. We need to shift our logic and stop trying to fight sin unarmed. There needs to be an understanding of where we truly stand in this world. If the only One stronger than the devil is God and He is able to crush Satan under your feet, how could you try to fight without Him?

Elder Mattaous says, “If someone is described as ‘humble,’ this is not, in my opinion, a characteristic of human nature, for how can dust be humble?Dust was taken from the ground, so if someone looks at dust, would he consider it to be pearls or precious stones?”

If you truly see yourself as dust, there would be no shame or guilt for sin. A curse of the modern era is oversupply. We no longer need to pray for our daily bread- it’s a given. Our lack of need extends to our lack of ability to see our own sins and even more to overcome them. We are largely self-sufficient, and so for anything we lack, we turn to ourselves before we turn to Christ.

In repentance, we turn over our weakness to Christ to be moulded as the Potter moulds a clay vessel. A clay vessel need not worry about the lumps and bumps that take a little while longer to be smoothed out, for in the hands of the Potter, all will be perfected according to His Image in due time.

“But indeed, O man, who are you to reply against God? Will the thing formed say to him who formed it, “Why have you made me like this?” (Romans 9:20). He has made no mistake. Your sins are for your ultimate edification and renewal in His image. They are not for you to fix, but to recognise your need for a Saviour who will deliver from all evil and the death of sin.

Sometimes we like the idea of repentance because we think that is how God forgives us; that we need to apologise before He can forgive or that a great display of prayer and almsgiving is what sways God to forgive us. While it may help you feel better about sins of the past, a broken and a contrite heart is all He desires. Before you were even formed in your mother’s womb, God sent His Son to die on the Cross in anticipation of the sins of the world. The father of the prodigal son did not wait begrudgingly for his son’s return. No, he ran out to greet him for he who was dead was alive again, he who was lost was now found (Luke 15:32). We need to realise that after we sin, God is not angry at us, the guilt you feel comes from knowing that you should’ve done of better. God doesn’t care that you fell, He just wants to you to get back up and renew your love for Him once more.

After His resurrection, Jesus asked Peter three times if He loved him in remembrance of the three times Peter publicly denied Him. For every time that Peter denied Him, he renewed his love for Him. Peter was overly zealous and believed in his own self. Through his repentance his zeal was renewed into godly zeal and an unshakable faith that would go on to convert the nations. Christ was imploring Peter to renew his love for him – all was forgiven but reconciliation had to be made. Peter had to put aside his guilt and shame and remember the One whom he loved more than the entrapment of sins past.

Let us pray that with every fall, we recognise and learn from our mistakes through repentance, and we are transformed according to His Love. Glory be to God, forever. Amen.

Forgiving Others (Barriers to Repentance)

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Forgiving Others

by Shery Abdelmalak

Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us

How easy it is for us to pray this daily while being detached from our brothers and sisters. By praying this, God has lowered Himself to our level so that He may elevate us to His.

He won’t forgive until I forgive? The thought of this question once distressed me. I know that my ability to forgive is flawed by my human nature, but My Lord, in His perfection, does not struggle to forgive the way I do. It’s not a matter of CAN He forgive. He can forgive, and He does. Even before you come to Him, He has forgiven you. What is not possible is to be united with God while we are not united with one another. Just as the father of the prodigal son waited earnestly for his son’s return, God waits earnestly for us to accept His forgiveness and to be reconciled and renewed in Him once more through repentance.

If forgiveness equates to love, then a lack of forgiveness equates to hate. Where there is hate, God could never co-exist.

A truly repentant heart does not struggle to forgive others. A repentant heart knows its own sin and knows that although they are not the true imitation of Christ, they strive to be more like Him daily. When you are just a work in progress yourself, you can forgive and pray for the faults you find in others, no matter how hurtful the sin may be. God is working in them, just as He works in you, even if it may seem like some require more work than others.

Often, we can see a fault in a person and this may drive us away from them. But to truly love with the spirit of repentance is to pray for them, to pray that God reveals the riches of His glory to them. To pray that they are strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man. To pray that Christ dwells in their hearts so they may comprehend the width, the length, the height, the depths of the love of Christ which surpasses all knowledge (Ephesians 3:16-19). That level of love. Not trust, not a return to what your relationship once was, just Love.

We can love with worldly love but what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them (Luke 6:32). This kind of love is limited to worldly understanding. Anyone can love someone that has given them enough reason to love them. But we strive for Limitless Love that comes only from above. The type of love that suffers long and is kind. That does not envy nor parade itself nor is it puffed up. Does not behave rudely or seek its own. Does not envy. Is not provoked. Does not rejoice in iniquity but rejoices in the truth (1 Cor. 13:4-6) – A Love that would lay down its life for its brethren. A Love like this does not concur with human understanding, but neither does the gift of grace in our salvation through Christ. This is the love that forgives unconditionally. Without it, there is no place for forgiveness.

Our lack of forgiveness generally comes from a good place. You were wronged. You were hurt. You didn’t deserve it. You are a good person and a bad thing happened to you that you couldn’t prevent. But Jesus was a good person, too. Jesus was wronged. Jesus was betrayed. Those that anticipated His coming for their salvation betrayed Jesus. More still, His own friends betrayed Him. Jesus was sacrificed, for a sin you and I committed. Now you want to go to God and tell Him that what was done to you was too much? God, being the kind and compassionate God that He is, surely He would understand that there is no way forgiveness is plausible. After everything Jesus did for you, you can forgive. Not for the sake of the one who harmed you, but for His.

There is a hurt however, that is far beyond my own understanding. I by no means think that you should just get over it because Jesus went through worse. Jesus did go through worse, not so you could feel ashamed when you struggle to forgive, but so you know that no one can offer you empathy and compassion quite like Him. The very fact that you come to Him when you cannot forgive is credited to you. Some wrongs may take weeks or months or years of prayer but do not be disheartened, but rather, put on the whole armour of God that you may stand against the wiles of the devil (Ephesians 6:11). Fight to forgive. Don’t pretend like everything is okay, don’t pretend that you were not hurt, don’t pretend that you don’t remember the hurt because you cannot handle coming to terms with what it means to you.

Robert Dean Enright says, “When unjustly hurt by another, we forgive when we overcome the resentment toward the offender, not by denying our right to the resentment, but by trying to offer the wrongdoer compassion, benevolence and love (2).” Fr David Milad (2015) explains this as forgiveness through an acknowledgement of what was done to you and the conscious decision to positively work through the situation in order to grow spiritually. Compassion, benevolence and love is the goal of repentance. This really is all He ever wanted from us – to spread His love through forgiveness to His children. “But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High.“ (Luke 6: 35)

When struggling to forgive another, it is important not to lose sight of what you can control – your own sins and your own repentance. To repent, in its most basic form of the word, is to say you’re sorry. Even when you are stuck in the hurt of sins committed against you. If so, start by saying you’re sorry. Say you’re sorry for your blind ignorance that is yet to see its own sin. Start small and ask Him to reveal your sin to you. That small step you take toward repentance, is one small step that you have taken toward Him. “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you” (James 4:8). You will feel His peace the closer you draw to Him, so for that reason, repent.

May we repent so that we can pray in all sincerity, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” Glory be to God forever, Amen.