Tag: shame

Slavery of the Mind (Barriers to Repentance)

Barriers to Repentance 4/7

Slavery of the Mind

by Shery Abdelmalak

 The human mind can be seen as a complex thing. By it, we move, live and have our being. Sound familiar? That description belongs to the Creator, not the creation. When I think of all the times I was stressed or upset or didn’t know what my next step was – it was because a negated God’s role in my life. I was doing so well on my own, but that does not last.

One of the devil’s greatest tricks to separate us from repentance is through the mind. It was the mind and human reasoning that convinced Adam and Eve to eat of the fruit of knowledge of good and evil that ultimately led to the fall of mankind.

Like most sin, sins of the mind start slow, small distractions during the mass, during prayer – an inability to concentrate. At this point, you will not feel separated from the Father and thus, will not feel the need to fight seemingly innocent thoughts. The very battle you fight to focus on God in prayer while life is going well will be the reason you hold your peace when times get tough, and they always do. Over time, the trust you place in yourself grows and although you might not notice, your priorities are shifted and He is no longer your main aim. The same life that has built up your ego has now knocked you down and you are left to pick up the pieces. The entrapment of the mind is a slow yet seemingly endless cycle of abuse, as you fall further away from Christ and His ability to deliver you from all evil. The doubt, the shame and all the tricks in between that the devil plays have convinced you that He will never take you back.

How could you forget how much He loves you? You’re His masterpiece. His finest work of art. One of His favourites. He has blessed you with so much yet these blessings seem hard to see through the storm. God’s biggest blessings come from our biggest mistakes. You don’t see it now but you will when it is all over. Alleviating your pain is not His aim. He wants to bless you, and to bless you abundantly. You are His child.

He is always anticipating your return. Don’t look to overcome your sin before you return to Him. Stop trying to reason your way out. If you think for long enough maybe you’ll find a solution, but you will more than likely fall further into confusion and shame. Look up, look to Him. Look at all He is. Stop looking back on your sin and look to who He can make you. You will never understand how He forgives but this is not for your understanding. Thomas Kempis says, “The humble person, though he suffer confusion, is yet tolerably well in peace; for that he rests on God, and not on the world.”God gave you a living and reasoning soul for His glory, but when it is misused, confusion takes hold and peace is lost.

While in a state of confusion and sadness, a common misconception of repentance is that it will only enhance these ill-feelings. This could not be further from the truth. If you are looking at your mistakes with self-pity, with sorrow, with guilt, with shame – this is not repentance. This is a fall further into slavery.

If we take the parable of the two debtors (Luke 7:41-43) and tweak it to show a debtor that was entrapped in guilt and shame, we can see how unlike repentance this path really is. In the parable, he left thankful, knowing that although he could not repay his debt, his slate had been wiped clean. To approach repentance with guilt and shame would be the equivalent of the debtor returning to the creditor just to apologise once more for his failure to repay his debt…

Creditor, “are you here to repay me?”

Debtor, “No, I’m just here to tell you how sorry I am that I can’t repay you, again”

“It’s okay, it’s already forgiven”

“No but you don’t understand. I’m really sorry”

This would lead to a frustrated creditor and a self-pitying and shameful debtor. We, as debtors, need to overcome the tricks of the devil and accept the beauty of God’s gift of grace to us that is salvation. 

This can be so difficult to see if you are in state of slavery of the mind where confusion is paramount and problems seem endless. You are finally realising your sins and your weakness but do not be disheartened. You can never separate the creation from the Creator. Those weaknesses that cause you to fall into sin can be strengths when turned over to the Creator. Do not insult His creation but trying to redeem yourself on your own. As Mother Teresa says, “If you are discouraged, it is a sign of pride because it shows you trust in your own power. Your self-sufficiency, your selfishness, and your intellectual pride will inhibit His coming to live in your heart because God cannot fill what is already full. It is as simple as that.”

Empty yourself of the thoughts that control you and be clothed with His blessings. HH Pope Shenouda III says the thoughts that control us are like flies. Shoo them away. Not every thought that comes to mind deserves contemplation. A thought turns into a feeling that turns into an action. If you knew the end result of a simple thought, it is unlikely that you would allow yourself to dwell on it. This however, comes with discipline and may become a life long struggle of faith.

Pray until you can’t pray anymore. Wrestle God in prayer like Jacob until the thoughts flee from you. Pray until you can recite the psalms in your sleep, like HH Pope Kyrillos VI. Pray with your whole body through prostrations so that you deny your entire being over to the mighty Hands of God. Pray to stir the unutterable groaning of the Holy Spirit to intercede for you and pull you out of the storm you are in. Glory be to our Almighty Creator forevermore.

Forgiving Yourself (Barriers to Repentance)

Barriers to Repentance 2/7

Forgiving Yourself

by Shery Abdelmalak

God instructed us to forgive one another, but the forgiveness we have to offer others is largely dependent on the forgiveness we have for ourselves. He told us to love our neighbours as ourselves (Mark 12:21). But what if we don’t love ourselves? What if we’re held back by shame and guilt for the sins of our past? If we approach sin with regret, guilt and shame, these are all we have to offer to those whom we love most.

The world teaches us to approach a problem with possible solutions. This is very simple when applied to sin. You do a sin. You know it was wrong. You try to fix it. This is not how God asked us to approach sin. You may be able to overcome a sin on your own a few times but eventually you’ll get worn down. You’ll soon realised that the higher you reach, the further you’ll fall.

As morbid as this sounds, God teaches us to approach sin in a way the world will never understand. When you are resigned to sin and you come to Him in prayer, you may fall again but there is a comfort in knowing He is always there to pick you up – a comfort in knowing that He is not just a fall back but the very core of your strength. St Paul says, “I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me”(2 Cor. 12:9). If we can truly give the glory to Him, we know that our flaws and mistakes will work for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).

Even by worldly logic, fighting sin on your own doesn’t make sense. Saint Moses the Black was one of the strongest men on Earth. The devil tried to physically fight him and so naturally, he fought back. He fought back, and was knocked down. The devil is stronger than the elites of this world. We need to shift our logic and stop trying to fight sin unarmed. There needs to be an understanding of where we truly stand in this world. If the only One stronger than the devil is God and He is able to crush Satan under your feet, how could you try to fight without Him?

Elder Mattaous says, “If someone is described as ‘humble,’ this is not, in my opinion, a characteristic of human nature, for how can dust be humble?Dust was taken from the ground, so if someone looks at dust, would he consider it to be pearls or precious stones?”

If you truly see yourself as dust, there would be no shame or guilt for sin. A curse of the modern era is oversupply. We no longer need to pray for our daily bread- it’s a given. Our lack of need extends to our lack of ability to see our own sins and even more to overcome them. We are largely self-sufficient, and so for anything we lack, we turn to ourselves before we turn to Christ.

In repentance, we turn over our weakness to Christ to be moulded as the Potter moulds a clay vessel. A clay vessel need not worry about the lumps and bumps that take a little while longer to be smoothed out, for in the hands of the Potter, all will be perfected according to His Image in due time.

“But indeed, O man, who are you to reply against God? Will the thing formed say to him who formed it, “Why have you made me like this?” (Romans 9:20). He has made no mistake. Your sins are for your ultimate edification and renewal in His image. They are not for you to fix, but to recognise your need for a Saviour who will deliver from all evil and the death of sin.

Sometimes we like the idea of repentance because we think that is how God forgives us; that we need to apologise before He can forgive or that a great display of prayer and almsgiving is what sways God to forgive us. While it may help you feel better about sins of the past, a broken and a contrite heart is all He desires. Before you were even formed in your mother’s womb, God sent His Son to die on the Cross in anticipation of the sins of the world. The father of the prodigal son did not wait begrudgingly for his son’s return. No, he ran out to greet him for he who was dead was alive again, he who was lost was now found (Luke 15:32). We need to realise that after we sin, God is not angry at us, the guilt you feel comes from knowing that you should’ve done of better. God doesn’t care that you fell, He just wants to you to get back up and renew your love for Him once more.

After His resurrection, Jesus asked Peter three times if He loved him in remembrance of the three times Peter publicly denied Him. For every time that Peter denied Him, he renewed his love for Him. Peter was overly zealous and believed in his own self. Through his repentance his zeal was renewed into godly zeal and an unshakable faith that would go on to convert the nations. Christ was imploring Peter to renew his love for him – all was forgiven but reconciliation had to be made. Peter had to put aside his guilt and shame and remember the One whom he loved more than the entrapment of sins past.

Let us pray that with every fall, we recognise and learn from our mistakes through repentance, and we are transformed according to His Love. Glory be to God, forever. Amen.